I'm not exactly ready to discuss what exactly happened from after I got a haircut until I played bzflag that night. I'll just say that I finally did what was right. Something I struggled with for over 2 years, and was easily trapped in. I survived my weakness, where I most commonly fall to it, and Thank The lord, I was able to destroy a huge part of it. If you knew what it was you wouldn't think it was that big, until you realize what I destroyed was it's physical symbol to me personally. It took one whole hour to destroy, and I even used that weak place to destroy it's symbol. It was the most grueling hour I've ever experienced. If I had not been praying/ reciting Eph. 6:10-13 I would have easily fallen when I was in my weak place. I've never been tempted like I was in that hour span, and there's no way I could survive it without God. I had to basically cry out to him much of the time, It's obvious to me the evil one was extremely determined to keep me trapped. Even though it's yet to be seen whether I can continue to resist it, it feels like this gigantic weight is gone, and even now I can still feel the holy spirit. I did what God told me to do, no matter what "he" used to try and stop me, including people, my want to just stop and play bzflag, doubt, the reason I fell for this to begin with, shame, and everything imaginable he didn't budge me. He can't trump the fact I was doing this because God wanted me to. Without this baggage (symbol) it's like it's gone, which makes it easier to resist, but I need to be aware that this could get me in trouble.
Eph 6:10-13 is a verse I actually just memorized on May 13 for bible (which I had to write May 13th as well. I procrastinated :)
here it is from memory, which should be very accurate after repeating so many times yesterday
"be strong in the Lord and his mighty power. Put on the full armour of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the ruler, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armour of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after everything has been done, to stand"
This verse was perfect for what I went though in my time in the desert.(the event above.)
It made the Afterparty, so much more enjoyable, knowing that with God I had taken a Giant leap toward being Free! It was great! One of the best days of the year. I hope this was the end of it, the end of my biggest obstacle in my life so far. I hate what I did, but it's done, I can't change it, I have to move on, otherwise I could fall back to where I was.
Why am I writing this? Actually I don't feel comfortable writing this, but I think by finally telling someone, I can get over it, it's a step toward freedom, telling someone can relieve a lot from the soul. I feel it's right. and I feel like I did yesterday after I destoryed it, just by writing this. Plus what chance do I have when I'm the only one that knows this is a huge problem in my life (my parents know a little but I don't think they realize how bad it really is). So basically No One knows it's as bad as I'm writing here. Maybe that's a reason why I kept getting stuck. No accounatbility. I feel relieved, and it almost doesn't even feel like I've been up all night, because of this. I still feel tired though. lol Thank God
- Chris
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